Small Steps

I feel like I’m starting to get my fire back in a way that doesn’t feel forced. Ive been trying to force myself to get back into creating new work for years now. so I've focused on the things I am able to do and finding new ways of living to help relax my body and mind. With everything going on deep down I knew I needed to get in better shape and learn some basic practices that I can do in a concentration camp. I used to believe I would be successful as an artist and podcaster. Not if but when. Now I only see pain and suffering. Weather its from the government, corporations, or just nature because our insane lust for wealth and power. I want to survive the suffering. Or at least that’s what I've been naturally working on. I’m sure I will go in depth on those things in future posts.

For now Im focused on small steps. Not pushing myself. Being nicer to myself. I’m getting a far better understanding of my nervous system and learning how to prevent and avoid burn out. As well as being aware of how much being overwhelmed can deplete my energy and require more time to recover. How to recover. Ive been learning how so many of the things I was naturally doing are considered tools. One lesson that Ive learned is you can’t will power your way out of burnout. It’s like two magnets repelling eachother. The harder you push the farther back you go. It’s really been about learning how to manage and cope with life and letting the spark find you. That spark has come back a few times and I blew it out. to stay with the metaphore, everything is damp and they need to dry out before the fire will feed. I feel like I'm getting better at being patient with myself.

It’s impossible to know what will happen next day by day. that makes it hard for me to see a future I can work towards. But what else am I gonna do? Keep playing the violin while the ship goes down. I try to look inward.

I have been watching a ton of movies and TV shows still. I try to write reviews of the movies I watch over on my Letterboxd account Letterboxd.com/RayTaylorShow . I am close to watching all 100 films in the AFI top 100. I’m also close to watching all of the Best picture winners. But this time of year is all about HORROR movies. Ive been watching a lot of 80s horror so far. A few franchises like Psycho, Ghoulies, and The Blob. I also watched the new Resident Evil. So good. I will probably start podcasting about movies and TV again soon.

I’m also feeling the pull to paint again. I miss the practice. I feel like getting this website redesign finished is holding so many things up. Hopefully I can keep this momentum and start creating again. I have so many ideas,

To those who take the time to read this… thank you so much. I really want this to be the core to my social media and each post will get get linked from my IG.